Saturday, January 28, 2006
Ember Desire.
The 85th Post. Lol.Maybe until now some would still be confused over my choice of blog address name, so heres the true meaning to my blog, since today marks the end of the year. Chinese New Year Eve.When i created this blog, i seriously felt no life in myself. No hopes, no dream, no nothing. All i had was a dying passion within myself that brought me pain, confusion, desperation, sense of loss, and hopelessness. I was at an all-time low. Looking back, i dont see much difference in myself now compared to the past. I havnt changed. Even on the eve of the new year. I am still waiting. Brainlessly waiting. Yes, it is that patience and tolerance that i learnt from Ah Gong that are coming into effect. Though it has its strong points, it also brings out the worst in me. My inability to judge matters now, though i was amazed how my 2 nominations for the next President and Vice-President for the Student Council coincided with the final Council's vote, and my inability to split my focus. In whatever i do now, i always seem to be absorbed into doing what i am focusing on to the extent i heed no attention to my surrounding. I dont know the reason, but i guess it has something to do with me hardly being irritated by the surroundings now. Still, the dying passion within me has yet to die off. Since the changes in class. That particular change. It linked off to one change after another. An astonishing chain effect. Leaving me with this aura of a passion that is at the edge of its existence. It is the reason of the title of my blog. A life so realistic i no longer found joy in this world. Sullen. Look further into the link between Ember and Desire, and you MAY see the true meaning (depends on how unique ur mindset is and how intellectual u are).Desire. A common term. A word that links up Hope, Ambition and Lust. I dont see the need to explain much here, but a Desire is a wish. Not just any wish. A Strong Wish. Something that really tops the Want-List of people. Something people Really wish for. Still, it is a wish. And not all wish are meant to be fulfilled.Ember. The word that brings Meaning to the name. It speaks of a piece of wood burning bright red with intense heat that is about to die out. The wood refers to me, the Blockhead. But thats not the point. It is the Heat that matters. Intense the heat may be, but it will still die out. Contradicting that, the heat will maintain for a period of time, and may last for really long periods. And while it knows it is fighting a losing battle, the wood glows unceremoniously, using up every single bit of energy that is left. And if the glowing plank/log/twig/branch/stem/whatever-you-name-it comes into contact with another piece of plank/log/twig/branch/stem/whatever-you-name-it, the flame is revived, and the heat lives on. These are the factors of a Glowing Ember that captured my attention. The piece of wood that perseveres on to the very last moment, clinging on to hopes of renewed energy, with an ambition and lust to continue its existence. It's Perseverance to fulfill it's sole Desire.And so when we link up these 2 factors, we derive at a unusual field of thoughts. My thoughts. Ember desires. I am the Blockhead. I have an aspiration which i know i will never be met, and i have a chance of settling things once and for all by finally acting after one long year. It would spare me from my torment, finally ending it after one long year, after all that i believed i went through. But i chose not to, for i trusted it as an unwise solution over the long term. A mere short term solution, according to what i believe in. An act that lasts for at most another year. But as a result of my lack of self-assurance, i am always doubting myself, contradicting myself, asking myself whether what i do is right. Despite all these, i still cling on to what i do, obstinate as a tauro, insolent as a pig. I am the Ember. Stubbornly hoping that its Desire would be met, praying that there would be a next plank/log/twig/branch/stem/whatever-you-name-it. The solution to my problems, my torments. But i am a Specific Ember. i have the choice to end it now, be it glad or sad. It will end my torment either way, ridding me of the suspense, of the irritations. Yet, i await the right time to add the next plank/log/twig/branch/stem/whatever-you-name-it. The right time to solve the problem. I await the time when i know that once i have added the next plank/log/twig/branch/stem/whatever-you-name-it, it will burn and glow on for a long time. Not just any short second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year nor century. But to burn to the end. Eternity, Everlasting. This is the true meaning behind my blog name. Ember Desires.And while the Desire remains, the Blockhead burns on, uncertain of the right time, uncertain of the true reason he burns on. All he knows is one thing. Until the right time to fuel the fire, he will not act. No, he will not. He will at most suffocate himself, allow the heat to gauge the life out of him. Just like now. The heat is dominating him. Though engulfed, he continues to stand strong, unwilling to let such an end happen. The end with no real end. The Blockhead perseveres. The Blockhead perseveres on. The Blockhead perseveres on obstinately. The Blockhead stands alone, weaker than ever.The Blockhead's Faith Remains. The Desire Within Him Pushes on. After one long year, the Blockhead is still here.Unfaltering.Blind.Ember Desires
Jinius Tan Ha Ha [1/28/2006 05:42:00 PM]
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