Monday, September 05, 2005
The Anti-Social Feel Within
I complain all too often, that people take me as if im some kind of superhuman. They expect me to come up with all the right answers, they expect me to soar, to score high, to aim high, very much beyond my self-targets. They expect me to fulfill every single task they think im capable of completing, they expect me to complete them with excellency when they are being assigned to me. Yes. The expectations make me feel unbearable. They think im the answer to anything. The answer to instilling joy and seriousness, the answer to what they deem impossible. They look up to me for answers, for satisfaction, with expectations i dont seem to think i can reach. Yet, what they dont realise, is that i am still human. A mortal. A weakling. Just like the many rest of us. I am not Lance Armstrong. I do not have an unbreakable will. I have a limit to what i can achieve. I cant possibly satisfy everyone. I am not the Perfect Person some think of me. I am not the Big Brother either. I am just like anyone of you..... Expectations. I have had too many of them. I dont see why i help out at home, only to be mocked at and treated like a stress-reliever i QUIT. I dont see why i join my friends in MS, only to be expected to be helpful at all times and to keep them entertained, instead of concentrating on what i aim for myself. I dont see why Mrs Gan keeps sniping at me during every single one of her lessons either. The words she speaks. The insults she hurls. Some are undoubtedly aimed at me. Its too frickin obvious for me. Even for the Test Papers, when i got less than full marks for the first time in my common tests this term, She just had to make another comment right at me. "Some of you may think that this chapter is all about angles on a straight line and angles in a triangle, but unfortunately theres more to than just that." More than half my Paper was filled by the those 2 rules, and she just had to comment further, with a warning so direct my entire surrounding classmates were looking at me. "Now from this chapter on Trigo and onwards, i want all Assignments in, or you will have your marks deducted. You will come to realise that from this point onwards, there will be a real change in your grades. For those who pay close attention in class and do their assignments, maybe your grades would remain as they are, or even improve. Whereas for the others, you might find yourself dangling at the bottom of the class, or better still, from a Fullmarks to a C6."...There are more than just these insults that she flung at me. Most of which i shall not name. 23/25 also results in a private insult. Thats bullcrap. I seriously do not see the need to receive special attention from anyone. I just want to be like anyone. A student, as what i am supposed to be, not every single teachers' target. I dont see why teachers recognize me that much, especially when i have only worked with the most of them just once or twice. Its weird how Ms Tan Wen Yi addresses the few of us "Jin Yi and Company" when she got us to help her out in the preparations for Teachers' Day, especially when i only worked together with her once, on Speech Day as an usher. Its funny how Mr Ng reckons im Jin Yi just like that after leading the school's Carnival Clean-Up crew. And it is especially most loathsome and irritating, when schoolmates just burst into fits of laughter at the mere sight of me walking in their direction as if i was a joke. Its not as if i walk in a funny manner. Its not as if i just did something funny like i always did accidentally. I hate the feeling when i did nothing funny and cause an entire group of people to tear themselves down into fits of joy. I hate the feeling when i give teachers rude and sarcastic remarks, only to see them smiling, with the rest of the class laughing. I hate that feel. I hate myself for making everyone laugh unceremoniously for no apparent reason. I hate myself for giving these kind of silly acts. I really hate myself.Teachers. Some may think im the worst student they ever taught. Defiant and a serious lack of respect. Perhaps they are right. Yet it is not that i do not respect them. If many dont know by now, i like to test Teachers. Yes. It is only right that i test them, given all the test they give us each month. This is only to show some fairness. Humans are equal. Presidents discriminate. Dont let teachers discriminate too. And regarding respect, i am unable to control myself during lessons, some know that. But cmon, i do greet teachers dont i.Friends. Perhaps some think im the best remedy for boredom. But all in all, im not. Im just another one of you people. I also seek comfort and joy in others. I also need breaks. Let Me Breathe. Let Me Live.And i hate myself. I hate myself for being so forceful on my brothers. I hate myself for beating my brother up. I hate myself for treating him like a punching bag. I hate myself for loosing my cool over what he did. I hate myself for falling prey to his words and gestures of disrespect. I hate myself for being so harsh with him. I hate myself for knocking him so hard on the head the other day. I hate myself... for having him to cover up for me... I had never been that good a brother to them. Not really a good one. A bad example, as my mother loved to put it. I help out much less in house chores nowadays compared to them. I super glue myself to the computer so much i dont like it at all when they rush home to snatch the computer. I never exactly studied hard to show them an example of how to achieve straight As the proper way, although my PSLE aggregate was never as bad compared to theirs. I only showed them the negative side to follow, all of which my mother pinpointed not to follow. I had been ever-defiant in primary sch, resulting in over 40 Pink forms at the end of my time in Nanyang Primary, and had a total of approximately 20 points deducted off my PSLE Aggregate. This was something that i had kept hidden for some time. Not even my parents knew. They knew nothing about pink forms. They knew nothing much about my bad conduct in Primary school. All they knew, were the phone calls from the teachers complaining to them about my misbehaviour, and what homework i did not hand up, and My parents would then scold me, sometimes cane, before telling my brothers not to follow my example. An aggregate of 253. A, A*, A, A for my grades. Somewhat enticing. Could have gone into River Valley, as my CCA teacher wanted me, or whatever my father wanted me to go to. Hwa Chong, his old school, would not be much of a problem, provided a letter was written. But deduct that by 20, and i get 233. Just enough for me to get into Clementi Town. Yes, i hate myself for being such a kill-joy. But then again, Clementi Town was not that bad a choice. Still, i fail to instill in myself the sense of responsibility with deep regards to homework, however much warning i receive from teachers, and i still fail to refrain and restrain myself from beating my brothers, however much warning i receive from my mother. I tried. I did try. I did manage to stop myself for most of the time. But these things still happen, due to my lack of control. My fists. They were tightly clenched, ready to swing out at him any moment. The struggle within myself was intense. One side of myself wanted to dish out that punch to wipe his mouth dry. The other wished to out-argue him, knowing that he was the one in the wrong and peaceful means could be used. And in the end, hell still broke loose. I sharpened my eyes to signal to him to stop blabbering nonsense as if they were right, accusing me of buying prepaid cards and things like that, when i never did this entire year, as well as bringing up the old traces of ignorance i tried so hard to dispose of. Yet all he did was to continue hurling insults, with my father sitting right at the front acting as if nothing happened. Desperate, i pulled his spectacles off to further emphasize to him that he should shut up. Yet with that, he flaired up and punched me in the face. I proceeded to grab his collar and pulled, before knock him hard on the head with my knuckles. With that, my father turned round to scold me, and glared at me menacingly. And from then on, my brother lost his spects... My mother kept questioning him how he lost his spectacles... yet he kept silent, not daring to reveal that it was I who lost him his spectacles... He did not sought to harm me, to land me in hot soup. He did not... He tried to keep it from my mother... he tried... and i never come to realise... until yesterday... when my mother questioned him... he made a gruff noise and ignored her... only then... did i know... and did i admit... "Wo wen ni di di wei she me yan jing hui bu jian diao, ta ye bu gan jiang, ni zhi ji qu xiang yi xiang, ni zhuo ge ge de GUO BU GUO FEN!"*~Remorse~*
Jinius Tan Ha Ha [9/05/2005 01:15:00 PM]
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