.~*The Realistic Life...My Sullen World*~.

Friday, August 12, 2005

~Bugged~

I guess im starting to suffer my misdeeds afterall... things just arent going right for me... if only i could just wake myself up... but i cant... in less than a mere term... i have experienced practically nothing, but negative feels. Things have not reasonably went right for me recently... in school, i am perhaps too busy and worn out with all the undone homework, and instead of smiling at my own fate whenever i got framed or sent out of any particular class for incomplete homework, i feel reluctance and resentment in myself... oddly enough, towards the teacher for collecting them... Somehow, sitting with Wai Sing does have its effects now, does it not? Or perhaps the new-found attitude problem had been there all along, just that it had never been more obvious, or is there a change in me? Somehow, i find that things have mainly acted according to Option 3...

I really want to break down... i dont feel like myself at all... perhaps im really too much of an Emotional person... but i really am near the verge of giving up on many things, which be named i shall not, you have to admit... throughout my life, i have been living using my Heart more than my Brain... as Mrs Gan puts it(yes yes, the cock-eyed teacher who really made the 'me' of the past disappear, and here i am using her quotes) , In this world, There are mainly 2 things people live with... Their Hearts, or Their Brains. Much to my disgust, i find this quite true, and somehow, i used to live with my Brain, knowing what to do and when to act by thinking thoroughly before coming to a decision. Yet now, my mouth lets lose without even thinking of the consequences. Not just my mouth. My behaviour, My acts. They have resulted in a record-breaking 4 Kick-outs from studies classes in a mere 5 weekday'ed week, friends' claims of me having an attitude problem, myself being easily infuriated, sulking long hours, as well as unwanted nor wished for arguments and debates with Superiors. However much i dont like them, these things happened, to nobody's delight, i hope and assume, but yet, they indeed happened. Perhaps this is the real me afterall... when i look into the mirror sometimes... i thought i just saw one of the 'darkest' character i ever seen... perhaps that is what that belies those eyes... something that i cant really explain... just find them mysterious... they dont really seem to fit my personalities... but cmon... none of my features may perhaps do fit in... So perhaps indeed, that this may well be my personality, and unfortunately, i disapprove of myself... i have so much frustrations currently that, if i were to write them all out, it would possibly take up at least 7 hours, which i do not wish to embrace, as looking into a computer for 7 hours typing ants to rid myself of frustrations and disappointments may not be a good thing afterall... ah well... type them all out i shall not...though i ought do partial...

Things Change As Much As Seats Do. I Will Give Up Hope, Or At Least, Try to. The Matter Is Getting So Out Of Hand, I Wish to Forget Everything... Bugged I Am... This Near-Hopeless Feel... The Harder I Try... The Worst I Feel... Less I Try... No Better Do I Feel... Theres Not Much Of An Exit Around Now, Is There? Yet, Seek for One I Shall. Wished There Was A Better Ending...

<~*Tong Hua*~>

Jinius Tan Ha Ha [8/12/2005 04:19:00 PM]

******